The last couple months have been really hard, emotionally and physically. Sorry I haven’t been around much. I’ve been doing some soul searching lately…and that takes a ton of focus. The reason for this soul searching you may ask? I have blogged before about being unmotivated, sad, etc… Ultimately, out of control. I constantly fuss about all the things in life that are aggravating (that damn garage that is one box away from an episode of Hoarders), stressful ($ being one thing most can relate too) and, yes, unfair (why is MY Mom dead). But I haven’t really done anything about any of it. I have had the best intentions but haven’t really been following through. Here’s where I insert the cliche “rock bottom” phrase (even more so, “the first step is admitting there is a problem”). I have hit it. Rock bottom. I read a little quote recently, I don’t even remember where to be honest. It was simple and I have seen it before. For some reason, this time I felt it. It made me stop and reevaluate my life in general. Never had it before. Which is why I say I must be somewhere around rock bottom with the way my life is at the moment. (and the list is 1000x longer than the three things I’ve said so far)
“It’s NEVER the other person’s fault.”
Okay, so sometimes it is in fact the other person’s fault. Seriously. But as I thought about all the things that have been dragging me down over the last four years or so…it is in fact all my fault.
1) That garage! No one but me (& Deon) let that crap pile up in there. I even realized I have been holding on to things just because they were from my Mom. Things, that once I really thought about it, knew that if she were still here…I probably would have moved on without it. I let the emotions of loosing her land on these objects. Now, don’t misunderstand me. I’m not talking about cherished things of my Mom’s, I’m talking, really, junk. Stuff I have “out grown” or have never used much. And don’t get me started on the donation boxes that have been out there for years.
2) $$$! I’m not always smart with my money. Who’s fault is that. Not the other guy! That’s for sure. It’s all me. So suck it up girl!
3) My Mom is gone. She will never come back. I will never hug her or hear her voice again for the rest of my life. And this…this is no one’s fault. Believe me when I say I have blamed everything and everyone imaginable. I’m not the first person to loose their Mother and I certainly am not the last. Deon’s Mom died before I could ever meet her. And even my Mom lost her’s when I was barely a year old. And my Mom was only 22, just a baby herself.
I have been purging my life over the last couple weeks. Being brutal with myself when I would start to wane. It has not been an easy road so far. I have cried a lot!
I started with the above stated garage. After trash bags full of stuff, boxes piled by the road, a donation pick up plus a donation drop off and an adventure with Deon to the landfill for the first time (mmmm…it smelled amazing…NOT), it is about 75% empty now. And it feels AMAZING every time I walk through it. I don’t have to worry, is that box here or there, while making my way through in the dark (the light still needs replaced). I do not have before pictures to post because, well, it was just embarrassing! I will definitely have after pics once it’s all done though. There is still aways to go (months even) before it’s where we want it. But we have it down to a manageable, less intimidating, project now. I’ve made a point to go out in it everyday and do something, anything while I’m out there, to keep the momentum going.
I have also gone through closets, drawers, cabinets, books…the list goes on and on. I have taken it one small thing at a time. Then moved on to the next small thing making sure to clean something (or several things) out everyday over the last two weeks. I cannot tell you how great it feels to trash all your anger, stress and sadness and to rediscover long lost memories! I’m starting to feel lighter and more free.
There are several other changes I’m working on right now, like slowing down. I’m driving slower, eating slower and just taking everything a bit slower. There is still a loooong ways to go but I feel better about life now than I have in several years. I’m getting back to living my place in this race of life…and enjoying this only go-round that I get. I’m looking forward to finally moving forward with my life, remembering the past, living for today and dreaming of the future. And I hope you all will continue take this journey with me.
I started blogging the year after my Mom passed. So, I have never been the me before grief in the cyber world. A daughter with her Mom. Nor will I ever be. And that’s okay. But I can get back to being me again! The little girl my Mom raised and left to caring on her legacy. It’s time to move on and let it all go.
Deon…you are an amazing man to put up with, except and love this chaos that is me! XOXO